Trident: corporate America milks British cash from nationalist woodies
Careful with that Trident ICBM, Eugene!

Thanks be to US defence secretary Ash Carter for bigging up Britain on the international stage.

According to reports, Carter has said that the UK needs to keep its Trident nuclear missile system. In words that will rub the woodies of British conservatives everywhere, he explained, that Trident enabled Britain to "continue to play that outsized role on the global stage that it does because of its moral standing and its historical standing".

Yup, Britain is a big-boy country and has big-boy friends like America, and should keep its big-boy toys.

bollocks to Trident missiles and all that
Trident costs a bomb

"It's important that the military power matches that standing and so we're very supportive of it," he added, causing the martyrdom of uncountable pairs of patriotic underpants.

My first reaction on reading this was that if America wants us to keep Trident, America should fucking pay for it.

But the reality is that Britain is paying America for Trident. Of course Carter Ash wants Britain to feel big about keeping its nukes: corporate America has made a fortune out of Trident and with its renewal will make another fortune out of it.

Trident is going to cost the British taxpayer £31 billion pounds in the next procurement programme with another £10billion set aside for the inevitable cost overruns. (Some sources put the cost at £100billion.)

The US doesn't want the UK to keep Trident because Britain looks good in it on the world stage. The US wants us to keep Trident because it's a big, fat cash cow for Lockheed and the US military-industrial complex.

Let's be clear about this. That's the better part of £41 billion going directly from the pockets of hardworking British taxpayers into the pockets of stinking rich foreign corporations who deal in death and destruction.

Surely I don't need to point out that this massive displacement of public money into the trousers of makers of weapons of mass destruction is happening at a time of Conservative-imposed 'austerity', in which we are seeing the NHS underfunded and sold off by stealth to more corporations, in which the poor and the vulnerable are having their support taken away while being demonised, while rich privileged people whose family businesses don't pay tax are telling us we have to 'balance the books'. Please tell me I don't need to point all that out.

Trident missiles
New improved Trident missile system — artist's impression.

Stop and ask yourself, given your lifestyle, can you afford to be donating money to rich people? That's what is going on. (It's not just arms companies we're funding, it's private providers of what used to be public services like the DWP, prisons, health and schooling. But this is another posting of its own. Watch this space.)

And, hang on a minute: with Ash Carter's comments about Trident, could the greatest democracy on the planet be interfering with the democratic processes of its bestest friend?

Well, look at it like this: Carter has chosen to speak up for renewing Trident just ahead of a big debate and vote in parliament on the future of Trident.

Now, there's not a coincidence.

Could the fine, upstanding patriotic woodies Ash Carter is rubbing belong to the very people who are going to vote over the future of Trident? Fuck, yes!

Trident has nothing to do with security or stature.

Trident has everything to do with bloating the coffers of multi-national corporations.

Carter is massaging these small British dicks into compliance with his corporate sponsors.

Is Trident a matter of the UK's outsize standing in the world? No, it's more a matter of outstanding fraud.

February 20th, 2016 — Comment on this story

 

War is cute hell
war is cute hell

 

Well, seems that war is cute and fun in Japan.

Is that an expression of Japan's pacifisim?

Or just addled bollocks?

This is a screen grab of an online ad for a game being touted in the only country to have been nuked.

 

Travelling at the speed of purple: the design secrets of the 500 Type EVA Shinkansen

By AN O'Bergine, special correspondent for purple things, Osaka, Japan

poster
Poster colours: purple is the new black — and so is black.

So have you seen the ads for the very new, very fast, Shinkansen train? They are all over JR stations at the moment.

The thing 500 Whatever Shinkansen, the 500 Type EVA Shinkansen. Woo hoo! Coming soon to a station near you and departing just as fast.

I thought the advertisement was for a new SF manga or something, because it features purple spaceships looming at you out of a sexy black background.

Exciting stuff.

No, turns out to be ads for trains, for chuff-chuffs, as such.

OK, it's not your Thomas the Tank engine sort of chuff-chuff. The 500 Type EVA is purple and silver and bears a dramatic green flash. And it wears a helmet and apparently it also transforms into a giant robot that fights evil or perhaps other less purple trains.

No, really, that's what the advertisement seems to be saying.

And did I mention that the train is purple? Yes, very, very purple, and it's very sleek and aerodynamic and thrusting in appearance. Fast and thrusting — as a spaceship should be, and indeed the thing looks like it will be zooming up and down Japan at SF speeds.

So, what does EVA stand for? It must be Excessive Velocity, Actually.

To be honest, it doesn't really look like a train. It looks like, well, the aforementioned spaceship-cum-evil-battling robot. Nothing looks like what it's supposed to these days. Engineers and designers are letting their imaginations run away with them. Or letting their imaginations run away with us.

You can see the engineers around their design table asking each other what this train or rocket or missile or space liner or packet of biscuits should look like if it's not to look like itself, and they are stumped. Making it look like Snoopy is one option, but making it look like a train or a rocket or a missile or space liner or packet of biscuits never is. So, what should it look like?

robert
A packet of biscuits.

Then one of the engineers happens to glance inside his trousers for inspiration and goes 'Hey, what about this? Let's make it look like masculinity itself. Let's make it look like a thing!'

'I bet no one has done that before,' says his colleague. 'Let's do it.'

That's innovation for you.

But thing doesn't work, does it. If you really copy what's in your trousers, you end up with a train or a packet of biscuits that looks like a docile worm, one that dangles upside down in dark places. You can slap the thing up a bit, of course, but then you get something that looks like a startled worm.

No, this is where the engineers move to giant, hurtling, engorged purple, which is so much more compelling than anything like a train or a packet of biscuits or a docile worm. Unwary members of the public may even fall into the trap of believing that this represents something actually to be found in the underpants of an engineer.

The subtext of course, the unspoken story here is: I bet the girls will line up to ride on this thing — wey-hey!

ur-wurm
Not a pale worm, exactly .

This is incredibly important to engineers. They labour under a certain disadvantage, you see. Their disadvantage is that they are engineers and they speak in terms of stress loads and coefficients and velocities and bland little acronyms that they think are hilarious because no one but other engineers understand them. In short, engineers cannot be understood by anyone except other engineers. This doesn't do much for your social life, and especially not your sex life.

And they do not stop to ask whether purple is appropriate or wise because they know that if they build it, they will come. And if they build it to look like a thingy out of a manga, they will come in their droves.

On launch day, everyone gets excited but rather than breathless girls lining up to ride on the purple thing, you've got boys with acne, wearing anoraks lining up at the end of the platform to take photos of it and the engineers can't figure out what went wrong.

And so it's back to the drawing board.

And that's technology and design and male sexuality for you.

Didn't take long to sort out, did it.

cospassengers
These passengers were specially designed for use with the 500 Type EVA.

February 2nd, 2016 — Comment on this story

One person has been killed over the Malheur, Oregon occupation. We are therefore removing our satire of the Oregon militia from the front page of Psipook. We do not agree with or condone the Oregon militia, their aims, their methods or what they stand for, but, you know, LIFE.

 

a masturbating ape

Hello, Mr Bezos
My own little exposé on why I am not living the large life on a yacht in Monaco.

Psipook - just buy my books you bastards
I'm trying this new, intuitive approach to marketing my books. What do you think?

read this | Chris Page
Chris page was interviewed by his very own sock puppet and managed to get through the whole conversation without once mentioning darning.

the new underpants | Chris Page

The Underpants Tree is the second volume of The Underpants of Fire trilogy, the first volume being King of the Undies World. The Underpants Tree was published in July 2015.

You can't keep a good pair of undies down! | Chris Page

The latest Twitter ad for — you guessed it — Underpants of Fire.

Now! Now! Now! | Chris Page

What? The Underpants Tree is out already? It seems like King of the Undies World, first volume of the Underpants of Fire trilogy only just came out. Is this man productive or does he just drink a lot of red wine?

pigs - two different kinds, and neither of them Pink Floyd

Just because it seems silly not to.


archive - image loading

Read Weed!
Weed: Chris Page's first novel

Weed paperback Europe

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King of the Undies World

The Underpants Tree

Un-Tall Tales

Un-Tall Tales: collected short fiction, flash fiction, poetry and references to sausages by Chris Page

Un-Tall Tales paperback Europe

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Un-Tall Tales paperback on Amazon Japan

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Read or don't

It ain't just for smoking you know ...

Read Un-Tall Tales

 

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Psipook is an online magazine and publisher's site mash up for the novels and short stories of Chris Page, humorous fiction, satire, arty-farty stuff, polemic, cats and anything we see fit to include.Chris Page is not to be confused with the other Chris Pages. While I have your attention, can I recommend not drinking Red Bull with or without vodka? The reason I mention that is I just had one, with vodka, in the hope that the combination of sugar, alcohol and caffeine would put me on fast forward workwise, and it has done nothing of the sort. I just feel icky. Everything now is contaminated by foul bubblegum. The red wine and salami I am treating myself with as I write this tastes of that vile liquid imbecility. Just say no. That's what I say.  

 

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